I have began to remember the fantasy life I had created when I was young, 12-14 Years Old after moving back to WA with my dad. I am yet to understand WHY I brought this world into my real life.
Updated Post about my Real Life Manifestations of these Boys Revealed.
Yet, I have come to wonder if these fantasy memories serve a purpose?
If I’m honest with myself these 3 boys, display a certain type of people. Perhaps the very types of people I wish to help!?
- The Abused
- The Dark & Mysterious
- The Runaway
- The Deep, Emotional Comedian
I accept that there is a possibility that the only purpose of these fantasy boys, is for me to realize these archetypes. To become aware of these types of people. Learning how to help them, identify them…
My Story of the 3 Runaway Boys
Visualized by an unpopular boy band. These 3 imaginary boys were a very crazy old story. My first lies lay with them…
I moved back to Washington from Cali, I made up this wild story about a boy who was attacked regularly.
(As if, in Cali, this is what really happened between the ages of 12-13 in which I have no real memory of my real life. At 13, I moved back to Washington and with new friends, I told them that this is what my life was like…)
There was a sweetheart of a boy named Jack, a dear closely personal and emotional friend. He was being badly beaten, abused, and traumatized – by who I don’t know, most likely his caregivers. I would go to school, then from there walk to a house before/after school idk. I’d go there to clean his wounds. Cuts, bruises, gashes and burns. His two friends helped him run away, or hide him, or comfort him in various different stories and fantasies that played out.
One of his friends was named Ty, and he was a tall dark and handsome type. I was intimate and sensative to love with him, but he wouldn’t tell me how he really felt. A wise character who always showed up at the right time to protect, serve, and secure the group of us friends. He came and he went, the character that had a life outside of ‘us’. In this way, he was kind of the ultimate run away and being he was the character in my fantasy I was most caught up with emotionally, let’s remember I was 12 and this ‘romance’ only went so far right? I mean common lol, I wasn’t banging – I was lucky if I got a kiss. I was lucky if I got to know how he felt. The mystery. We were always too focused on this wounded boy with terrible pain. My inner fantasies are many about the romance we couldn’t have because of the distracted, chaotic world around us. And the world, it never stopped.
Mason, our other friend was a talker, light-hearted and full of laughter. Especially in the most awkward of moments. He was friends with anyone and everyone, and made these terrible moments of life worthwhile for us all. But he was the most disturbed by it all too. The most disgusted that we all couldn’t change this. The one who realized it was all a dream/fantasy. The one I would argue with often that we should not ‘turn ourselves in’, ‘go to the authorities’, ‘get psychotic help’, ‘tell the truth’. Whatever it was Mason was trying to get us to do, I often would argue or ignore. But he was probably the most stable of mind honestly, as he was the most ‘undamaged’ of us in my fantasies. The one that made us laugh and brought us up with adventure and good conversation.
Mason, my best friend, the one who convinced me to stop and wake up. To tell the truth, in my reality.
So one Day I finally listened and I did ‘come out’ of the fantasy and start to live again in Real Life.
The color red. Blood, a lot of blood on this boy with the wounds.
(Update: For months after these fantasies ‘ended’ – I was haunted and troubled by the color red. I hid, reppeled, and in a way ‘used’ the color red to ‘push away’ the fantasies. I had always related the blood to the haunting of red. Eventually the color stopped being a ‘bad’ thing and returned to being a ‘color’ again. Once the fantasies stopped and I had ‘forgotten about them’)
Remember this is completely made up… Yet this is what I told people at 13 was true. Eventually, in my Freshmen year (14ish), I told my two closest friends at the time “Look I’m really messed up I know but this is a total lie. It’s not real. I’m sorry.”
And they had questions, but they accepted me as I was.
Right after this my life took a spin down a long path of lies, cheating, and stealing. In a way, these 3 boys continued to manifest in my real life long after I “forgot” about this fantasy/imaginary world.
I have not thought about this in a long time. Obviously, this imaginary world is very disturbing to me right now but at the same time… I want to know why I don’t remember my life, and more about this inner world so that I can figure out why I spent so much time with them for those YEARS of my life.
But I have to wonder why I did that to myself? Where did those visions and these boys come from? Why did I imagine them at 12-14? Why did I TELL my real friends about them?
And further, psychologically how was I able to forget them? How was I able to ‘get passed’ this trauma?
Update: I had a quick talk with my dad about this and he remembered that there was a fire? That someone died and someone got away? And that this is what I told him – “it was all over”. WHAT???