Have you ever started reading a book, one you really have wanted to read for a long time, as it sits on the shelf waiting for you. Several times, I pick up this amazing book, and read the first chapter and a half. I have a bad habit (or a good habit as you’ll see) of picking up another book and starting it as well. Soon enough, I have 3-5 books I’m reading at a time and I do this about 1-3 times a year. I cover a range of related topics in this way and over time, I learn a lot! With all the books I pick up though, I finish the ones that I am meant to know and understand. The others, get left on the bookshelf a little longer.
Those books when finished usually carry a strong weight in my understanding of any of the similar books I’ve read before. In this way both of Candace Pert’s books, Inner Work, and most recently, The Field.
I have searched and wondered about the connectedness of the conscious mind and how we relate to each other. Through my efforts to understand the world I looked to the stars and found Astrology. Through the quantum sciences I found personal reasoning for living and observing both my self and others.
Through my quest to understand the mind and my own psychology, I came to know the body-mind and heart-mind complex we call our body. This spiked the call to know emotions, feelings, and intuition. Bringing back the challenge of knowing the unseen and misunderstood realms. Often bringing about sarrow and heart-ache, shadows and chaos on unsteady grounds of emotional wellbeing. For years I have felt stuck within my emotional misunderstandings of my multi-self mind. And I argued whether I was crazy or not until my inner intuition would kick in and prove itself as solid and sound. Relationships that have kept me grounded, sane and cared for. Yet a culture that has kept me limited and self contained, dare I say controled in many ways of constant influence, illusion, and distractions. Until I realized that I was making the choice to be manipulated and stepped away did I really understand that it was my choice to have experienced this world at this time. Why?
As my world stacked on top of itself (DKOTS), I looked back and saw a web of both light and dark. Of both friends and family, of laughter and pain. I felt both guilt and delight, joy and despair, failure and perfection. It simply depended on the moment and the bond that put me there in that experience. As I searched for answers to my deepest manipulations in an effort to understand and to heal. I found myself in my own box. One I had put myself in a long time ago, to change. To refuse to be the manipulator of others, and this the self martyred ego program began in effort to not lie, cheat or steal. The program succeed but the shadow self prevailed.
Thankfully the ego has another side of self to contend with. I realized that much of what I do to ‘protect myself and others’ still exists for a ‘reason’ of self. It is usually in an effort learn, extend, surpass, or succeed a previous fault or trauma. To keep the self from experiencing it ‘again’ and avoid pain or suffering. Installing the memory with a secret importance. We do this with treasured and ecstatic memories as well in an effort to repeat this feeling or success again and again. These programs are at odds with each other because the shadow self usually (selfishly) wants to repeat programs that felt good, regardless of their cause. For example, addictions or obsessions with objects or persons that were somehow deeped ‘the best high’ or experience of ecstacy. Where the ego attempts to avoid the obvious devistations, even if it’s what we ‘want’ to do. The ego prefers to have choices and be able to make decisions based on what it needs to survive and sustain the self. Where the shadow exists to self serve in desire, wants, and obsessions.
What I have learned now is that the ego and shadow are only some of the self designed programs based on its experience, education, and influences.
This is where my interest in psychology, astrology, philosophy, mythology and archetypes comes into play. As well as the acceptance of the paranormal, pseudoscience, spirituality, and ancient history ,of consciousnesses, current activations.
There are many other self designed programs that have a certain polarity that shifts in and out of gear for you depending on the circumstances. For example, when my parents got divorced I had a misinformed idea that it was over money and thus blamed working for money being of less value that loving and relationships. Until I realized this program in it’s entirety, making money was an enemy of mine. Feeling as though I was choosing it over love. All through my life I have worked very little, and when I did it was for my grandparents home based carpet cleaning business which I almost took over when I was barely 21. I didn’t, but I did get married and we’ve been together 10 years. I am just now at 28 years old okay with the idea of making money and feel like I would deserve to have both money and love, instead of having to choose. The thing to realize about this story is that I didn’t know I had made this program and the entire time I was making subconscious shifts to avoid money at all costs and chose to love others in my life instead. Deeming it more important at every turn, thus dedicating myself to the service of others without anything to show for it.
This all had a very emotional effect, and thus the cause was also emotional by nature. It manifested in the feeling body of my decision making and effectively controlled my mental world for a long time indeed. This is only an example of the inner workings of my child self, immature and uneducated.
The thing about realizing these self made programs, especially the child manifested ones. Is that it’s okay – and it was meant to be there for a time. You can go into your mind and experience this one last time and really feel what it has done to you. Realize the patterns and behaviors at their infancy and then begin to devolve this program by forgiving it. It has served it’s purpose but it must change now.
Tell the inner child the truth and offer comfort to this part of you who was pained or hurt at that time. Explain how it can be different and better if the program and manifestation was to be changed to better to love, to serve others, and to manage your time and money intentionally.
The next bit of time is the uninstallation of the program consciously. Realize and reason with the repetition of old thoughts and forgive them. Do things differently in your outside world, and shift your thoughts mentally. It’s difficult at first not to just create a new installment to the existing program. Consistently maintaining the love and encouragement to the inner child, ego, shadow or other selves at bay. To stay true to yourself.