I have taken a slightly back seat to my physical word lately. Letting my mind and ego battle it out, and seeing what happens. I’m on a mission to find the truth, and I’ve been digging around in my mind and past quite intensely.
I have returned to meditation and asking myself what else I need to do to heal. The answers I’m getting are shaking me to the core. Things I don’t necessarily want to do because I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of the reaction, the emotions, and the thoughts.
So I jump back into my physical reality and start to observe, make changes, let actions come into fruition. Just to be reminded constantly, to dive back into myself. When I do, I see new battles of my ego, soul, and spirit. So conflicted. What do I want? Who am I?
The more I look around, asking questions. The more truth I’m finding in myself, the world, and the cosmos. When you ask questions. You get answers.
It’s just that, sometimes the answers are not what you wanted or what you created. It’s the awareness to the pain of the emotions and memories you’ve created and held on to. That are threatening to go to battle, to let go or hang on.
If I’m honest, I’m looking the truth in the face and I don’t know if I like what I see.
Am I making these emotions up? This dream reality?
I have very few regrets. I’ve walked through life knowing what I was doing was hurting myself and others. When I stopped hurting others, I stopped doing me. I stopped hurting. But what I hate about this, is that I stopped living. I stopped caring about myself because I hurt. I carried the hurt with me, holding it in. Letting life happen around me, being of the Tao nature. Letting the river run through, around, and inside me. But not taking much action. Not listening to myself. Letting my ego rise only to protect my soul, heart or mind from attack. And then going back to sleep.
When I started this “self care journey” you read about at my public blog. I started working on my chakras, inner enegry, changing my environment. I opened my third eye and expanding my consciouness. I started connecting with source, the world, and myself in ways I can’t even try to put into words.
When I look at my energy now, as it begins to balance and awaken. I’m surged with powerful energy, intense emotions, and overriding thoughts and feelings about my memories. I can see clearer, more visual than ever before.
I’m avoiding meditation because all I can see when I look is the truth.
My root chakra aches for a feeling of survival and security. The beast is what I see.
My sacral chakra longs for friendship and connection, that I haven’t had deeply in a long time. I see the lights, faded, but lit. Like a candle in a dark room. When I get closer to this candle, this chakra. I feel alive.
My solar chakra is bright and yet very dark and motionless, vast and magnificent! I see myself both as a winged demon goddess of truth, and as a divine armored warrior with white robe/armor and a huge head/neck piece. At first I was so intimidated by myself. Now, I come to love asking these inner versions of my soul, and they bring the harsh truths. They often show me the creatures, lives, or visions I need to with my symbolism and meaning only I can understand.
My heart is. A hole. I spray out and connect to everyone I love equally. But do not feel loved by many. I feel very far away from everyone. Connected only by what I provide to them. This is the most painfully energetic chakra, and I’ve struggled very much to listen and understand what is hear. Deeply passionate truth is here, and it always has green eyes. Staring me down, from the end of a tunnel. Or so close it hurts, and I have to turn away. Meditations almost always end with this intense stare down, and we have yet to win.
My expression/throat chakra is on overdrive. It’s basically keeping me alive. My inner communication is extremely active, and I’m becoming much more aware of this in all its levels and forms. And is also the place that provides me ability to interact with my physical world. – no vision here – in fact this lack of vision/communication says a lot.
My third eye – I can’t help but smile. Is alive and well, and I love this part. My brain and body and mind and spirit, all come together here and its very disorganized still. But my ability and skills are becoming useful. My vision here is of waves, geometry, energy, particles, awareness of things broken down and to the core. This is a very imaginative yet ingenious part of me and this body experience. I am spending much time listening and working with myself in this chakra and it’s been by far the most helful and revealing. The imagination here gets the better of me though, and I have a very hard time understanding what is real, what I’m making up in my mind, versus what I am “told”.
My Crown is, on and off but it’s getting easier to drop into a place of commitment and devotion. I like working with my energy and giving myself and my will over to do service. I crave to know what I am meant to do. To know what it is I should do, could do, will do. Again, the answers are extremely hard to swallow. And I must take it one moment at a time. I will continue to be devoted. And fight for this. Prove myself and to the world. I gain all the love and light from this that I need honestly. It’s just that I feel kind of bad that I’m not doing more for the world. And I’m getting to a point of knowing that this is all for the betterment of everyone because I am everyone. By healing me, I’m healing them. By healing us, we’re healing the worlds mind and body. And by healing Gaia, then we’re saving the Galaxy and can continue to explore all of this.
What are we going to do? What am I going to do? Keep at it. Keep healing. Keep looking, searching, and exploring. And, eventually loving life.
121219 added crop circle – This was also around the time that I felt the Spiders and started to connect my own web, full of exs, friends, and friends to exes, the cosmic web is so vast and at this time, i really started to take that on. by 8/9 I was actively into spirit animals and following trails which ended in forgiveness of the Spider through HP.