Yesterday, i watched Leo King and I was just crushed. Totally just busted me up on what I am still holding onto inside. I have done so much to clear and break free from this low dense energy and my lower chakras and energy is definately lighter. My mind too, the voices, so much nicer and less heavy. Like, woah – Feeling so much better. Like the healing is finally coming to full acceptance on some really deep blocks about spirit and science and body-mind with awareness increasing and consciousness expanding.
I have honed some ways to protect myself. Actually fill the space of my auric fields and direct my energy to my mind, settle my heart energy. Like woah. Coming into better energy and learning how to lift my vibration, and thoughts out of the clouds of confusion.
The Scientist in me says: The self healing experiment has been successful. The research has been sound and the Wounded Healer is being healed.
But after this week’s astrology I just come right back it. I’m still in the emotional escape pattern! I’m still avoiding and see no value in work/money. There’s still something here. And it’s Family and it’s Femine and it’s Out of Balance.
So I broke. I spent about 40 mins recording myself just cry it out.
I’ll spare the details, they are heavy and personal. But I know I gotta get back to reality of now and. Now that I know why I have “chosen love over money”. I can understand why I feel so disempowered by the threat of money, and not having any. Why I’ve been dismissing that voice for so long, that drive to secure my life. I thought as a kid I could only have one or the other.
In this same child mindset, I also decided that I would always value friends, others, as much as my partner. And felt that that would have to be okay. That social interaction was important to a partnership. And that money was not overpowerful of relationship, nothing something to run to or run from but to work for and accept. In balance to relationships, both family and friends. This is – in my childs mind – why my parents didn’t work. They didn’t have that balance figured out. They had to sacrafice too much to work it out and they dipped on each other.
I do not wish for this all to repeat. I do deserve both my mom and dad. And love and money. And a partner and friends. Brothers and sisters. Friends and family.
In balance. In harmony.
PS: My childhood friend, from the 3 boys story. Just like he would in my old fantasies, he creeped up behind me in meditation and whispered so sweetly, “I had to save myself. I did it to save myself.” I know I’m the only one that can come to terms with that truth but it’s really nice to finally know and understand how necissary that was, in this reality. And maybe that’s just young Ty coming to speak on behalf of the Real person – whom I can’t seem to reach or understand or touch. I can feel and think and reach all I want. But that’s just not how it works. It never was. I can’t make Ty talk, he comes up out of no where. Even after being dismissed and released or set free. Just in the midsts of these deeper moments, those whispers of truth. They set me free. And I guess Ty and I have something in common after all. I did what I could to leave the pieces for that real person, because he’s “what matters”. And it’s not all this. He’s seperate from all this. Finally. And in this way, I set him free from it.
Part of balance is not reaching for what you can’t reach, or you risk loosing everything and falling. I can’t reach. I can’t stop. I can’t wait.
I’m not leaving anyone behind. I never was. I made choices. It’s about time we stuck to those and lived it out in truth. I’m good with that.
And that’s part of this release. This end of the cycle for me and my running. Me and my chasing. Me and my demons and shadows being ignored for false idols and ideas from others (others shadows lmao). Now that I know my shodow, my ego, my Higher Selves and the Universe. That’s all I need.
I am free. I always was. I always will be.