Dont Fall Asleep

Dream last night, I don’t remember many details:

My family and others were having some kind of social event like a holiday in a large house. Like my family does, they gathered together in a single room. I often go in and out of the group, its hard for me to stay in the group the whole time. I’m fairly empathic, especially to my sisters and parents. So having everyone together is hard. Of course, Bowden was presently there, but not actively part of my dream. 

[Idk what to call him on here] but, a long-time “friend” was in the other room just out of sight. Ty. Every time I’d join the group with my family, he’d stay there and entertain himself. But several times I’d just go sit with him and he’d put a comforting arm around me. As if, this gathering was difficult for me but no one else really knew why. He did, and I did. But it was something that I couldn’t easily share, they wouldn’t understand. No push or shove to do or not do. He’d say things he’d say in real life, “Don’t concern yourself with what they think. What do you think?” 

At one point he just kissed my forehead and looked at me with this “It’s okay, you can do anything you want to” kind of feel. Super, super safe and secure (he was that way in real life for me too, super safe, like superhuman safe.)

It didn’t feel wrong, or even romantic. It felt friendly, like an older brother or best friend. In fact, the framiliarity of being close to him was strange when I woke up since it’s been a really long time since I’ve seen him in person.

We talk, but not often and are still struggling to know how to have a friendship without it being weird, we’re so far away. I wasn’t concerned with Bowden but I also didn’t know where he was or why this wasn’t him comforting me. I have a feeling from waking up that he had other responsiblities for this event or gathering, or simply didn’t know the struggle I was having. 

I don’t know what the struggle was but, it was deeply internal, a personal issue for sure

I don’t know what to do with my day but… My only idea from this dream and what it could mean is. To not get caught up with life so much that I loose myself again. To not fall asleep. To not be affraid to get weird and be myself. 

To be honest, I haven’t been doing any spiritual work or spending time really doing the work. The awakening process was super rough and I’m not trying to stop. But I also, have let life get busy. 

I haven’t been working much, I’ve been spending a lot of time getting reading to be a Game Master of a new DND campaign this weekend. So that’s been a huge (awesome) distraction. Yet, it’s not productive to my life. It gives me an outlet for my weird and imagination. Which I really do need, but it’s replaced some of the other work I was doing. 

I do feel though that my reduced interests in books and videos and research is totally okay! But I need to continue working and writing, and be consistant for the blog and my spirit and all. 

Why is it that this friend gets to me so much? Why is it so hard? On one hand, I appreciate and anticipate those triggers and activations he gives me in real life without trying. But on the other, I’m frusterated lol and being stubborn. I shouldn’t need him in my reality or my dream state to tell me these things, these life reminders. Just to be myself? That’s always the ultimate under laying message, “just do you and don’t let anyone give you shit for it”. You’d think knowing this would make it easier but – lol. It’s simply annoying. 

Seriously, I’m just so thankful that I can even have these conversations if any. So thankful that he’s here or there to help in any way. Alive.

Thankful that I have a family, a gathering, a purpose, a place, a home. To each their own but – 

I think I’ll stay awake. *pinch*